Thankful

Romans 12:21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Once again I haven't blogged in awhile.  I'm one of those people who compose entries in her head for weeks.  I do this usually while driving to and from work.  I think I'll go home and jump right on the Chromebook, ready to put all my thoughts to the screen.  But before I know it, life takes hold and I'm emailing parents, playing with Saul the Dog, and downing more cups of coffee than should be humanly possible after 4:00pm.  My thoughts become compounded day after day, and the blog post seems to become more complex and intense.

So, here it finally is.  The Thanksgiving Post that everyone and her sibling is putting out there.  As I woke up this morning when my house was filled with over twenty teens who slept over for the high school band annual sleep over, my Facebook page lit up with people giving thanks to family, friends, and all that is good.  Isn't it wonderful to see that instead of the usual political banter and sadness that we so often see?

As I cleaned up soda cans and made maple oatmeal pecan bake for my mom and friends for Thanksgiving morning, I would sneak peeks at these Facebook posts.  I'll admit that I started to feel the peer pressure as to not posting my own.  Instead I posted that I had survived the band party/sleepover with fifty-plus kids at startup.  These were amazing kids!  So many great conversations, and I felt so good that Kidlet A was able to add on yet another great experience for his senior year.

No, my thanks deserved a blog post.  Why?  Because there are just so many people, including YOU, who deserve to be thanked.  I mentioned in my last post back in September that I keep a gratitude journal.  There's a huge possibility that you're in it.  The mailman is in it.  The people at the deli.  They guy at Starbucks who told me my modern art LuLaRoe leggins were just so freakin' cool.

I truly am thankful for all that I have.  How do I know this?  I was in a deep, dark place last spring.  When you hit the abyss, I believe you appreciate when you see out in the light.  Autumn colors this fall took on new hues I hadn't seen in years.  I'm excited about the holidays.  My extreme passion for education returned.  And day by day I am encountering miracles - through people, places, and events.  For those who read this or encounter me and think, "Fake!" and liked me better when I was feeble and weak, I think good thoughts for you.  I wish you nothing but the best.

My blessings take on so many forms.  I am lucky to work every day with such amazing people at Camp SB (yup - my nickname for our wonderful place)!  I've been at a few schools, but never one where so many people are dedicated, willing to try new ideas, go out on a limb to make mistakes, and support others when they have crazy ideas like my own (such as incorporating a popular Netflix series into a Spanish I curriculum.  Am I sane, PS?)

The kids.  My students.  I told my eighth graders on Tuesday that it's only November, and I've already started crying that I'm going to miss them next year.  Already!  I wish I could bottle up all their goodness, their kindness, and put it into a jar to keep on my desk after they leave.  It's beyond them wanting to learn Spanish.  They want to become good people.  All my students - I can't wait to see them fly out into the world and do magnificent, good things.  I don't care if they become  CEO's, doctors' or our society's idea of monetary success.  I tell them constantly that I want them to be happy.  Happy.  Just.Be.Happy.  All Profe wants is for you to be happy.  You're not happy?  You're 35 years old?  You come back and see me and I'll do the snort laugh for you and I'll get you happy.

My pen pals and Postcrossing friends.  How can you explain to someone who has never had this experience?  You become great friends with someone you've never met.  A connection is established across the miles, across the sea with someone who likes the same books, bakes the same cookies, loves the same animals, and laughs at the same jokes.  She's online when you have insomnia, and cheers you up when you've had a tough day.  The Christian Science Monitor recently featured an article on Postcrossing, and I think this is as close to describing the experience as I can find online.

Kidlet A.  Kidlet B.  Saul the Dog.  AviKitten.  VictoriaCat who eats blueberry muffins.  Pages and pages of blessings from them.  No two other people on the planet get me better than my twin sons.  On look, one expression, one text, and they get it.  My world would be empty without them.

Yes. This was a bit more than the usual Facebook post of all that I am thankful for.  Ever so thankful. Each and every day.  Thanks to you for being there with me.  Know that you are loved! :)

Rising Up

Green lights.  Go.  Early morning sunrise as I head into school at 6:15 am.  About four months ago I wouldn't have even considered this view from the local rotary.  As one of my blog posts hinted at, last spring and into the early summer I was in a dark place.  When school got out in June I took the two weeks before we went to Vermont to pretty much sleep every day.  I hardly did a thing, other than write a letter or postcard here and there.  It didn't help that the spring season brought me not only strepp throat but a possible mono diagnosis, and I was exhausted beyond belief.  I had lost a lot of faith in so many things.  And yeah, my attitude was at rock bottom.

Vermont helped change things around.  Perhaps the change in scenery for two weeks, sitting by the lake with books and hanging out not only with Kidlet A and B, but also the Twinners - my niece and nephew who are nine years old.  Seeing the world through their eyes truly opened up my heart quite a bit.  I saw what was important once again.

I'm so happy to say that today, September 16, 2017, I'm in a fabulous place.  I've never felt better.  Maybe I'm going to make some people sick with this post of positivity, but here goes.  What did I do to turn around what was basically an awful situation?

1)  I found my tribe - Lately the word "tribe" seems to be popping up all over the place, so I guess it's time I incorporated it into a blog post.  But in all seriousness, I began to reconnect with people both in person and online.  I now have a small group of people whom I can depend upon to call in a time of crisis, extreme happiness, and just to chat with.  Some are in person, some are online, and yes, some are by snail mail.

2) Haters gonna hate - On that same note, I realized that there are frenemies even at my age.  These people will be nice to you in person, or online, only to wish for you to fail.  Who knows why?  I no longer care to know why, because I'm not going to change them.  And I realize now that their friendship is worth diddlysquat (did I just use that word in a sentence?).  There are also the people who are just plain cruel - while you pass them on the highway, in the checkout line at the supermarket, you name it!  Guess what?  You're probably never going to see them again, so let them go.  You cut me off on the highway?  Awesome.  Have fun.  Your car sucks (just kidding).

3)  I GOT A DOG - This was probably the BEST thing that turned me around.  I should have got a dog again a long time ago, but the timing was perfect this past August.  Our dog, Saul, has taught me again how to drop everything and just play.  Forget the papers I need to grade, the dinner that has to be made, the bills I have to pay - PLAY!  Saul is also so damn happy.  How could I not be happy with that face following me around everywhere?

4)  Good tunes that resonate - I discovered, for myself, the band Twenty-One Pilots.  I had a student last year who was fanatical about them, and at that time I only knew the song, "Heathens."  Wowsa.  I'm hooked.  With lyrics like "Sometimes you gotta bleed to know/That you're alive and have a soul" they were just the band I was looking for.  Jam out - forget about everything.

5)  Adiós, online dating! - I mentioned this before on Facebook.  I ditched that world.  In my past nine years of being divorced, I've been on the four top websites at one time or another.  Even though my accounts had been hidden or deleted, for some reason I would still get emails from people.  Odd.  I investigated this online, and found that if your picture and profile are still in their system, at times it can come up and people can contact you.  ARGH!  So, I went back on those sites, deleted all the photos, deleted all the text, and got rid of all the info in those silly little boxes that were suppose to match me with the love of my life.

6) Rediscovered my passions - For a few years now I haven't been writing.  If you look back, you'll see I used to blog all the time.  I loved it.  I recently explained to a potential member of my Writer's Club at school how I feel when I write - You know the high runners get when they run?  That's me when I put words to paper.  I get lost in those sentences.  I've started writing so many postcards, pen pal letters, and blogging again.  It feels SO GOOD!

My other passion?  Teaching.  I truly love being a teacher, and I didn't fully appreciate my strength with kids these past few years.  I have faith in what I do.  These students revitalize me on a daily basis.  I am myself when I'm with them - silly, goofy, relaxed, yet at the same time encouraging, academic, and helping them try to become the best they can be as individuals.  Yes, Spanish is important, but at the end of the day I want them to know that they are important individuals.  Amen.

7)  Gratitude - I am so incredibly thankful for all that I have.  A friend suggested at the end of the day I make a list of ten things I'm grateful for.  At first I thought that would be hard.  Now I do it each night before I go to bed.  Truly blessed - that's me.  From the guys that came today from Trash Can Willy's to pick up my oversized 60" + TV that were so nice to my dad who listens to my caffeinated self as we drive around town each afternoon on errands.  The big.  The small.  The in-between.  When crap happens now I think of my gratitude list, and just how darn lucky I am.  This too shall pass.

So yes.  Here I am.  Happy to be here...

Days Away...

I am back from two weeks in Vermont, by Lake Champlain.  I've got Pandora on in my humid, hot home here in Massachusetts (of course no central air!  No, not for me!  Old school!).  The third load of laundry is in the wash.  I have a mountain of mail on the counter waiting to be re-sorted.  The junk mail has already been thrown in the recycling, the numerous credit card applications already torn in half and waiting for a shredder.  Do I really need ten more credit cards?  Obviously the Credit Card Gods think so.  I think because I've been spending all in cash or on my debit card the Credit Card Gods are getting envious.  No, you will not entice me with your flight miles.  I have no where to go, but Vermont...

This vacation was off to anxious start from the beginning.  Why?  I let the Kidlets drive.  Kidlet B drove up to the Green Mountain State in his Volvo V70.  What better car for the ride?  A 2004 Volvo filled with LL Bean bags, Vera Bradley satchels, and a frantic mom.  It's like the beginning of a suburban movie that's yet to be written.  I'm not a good passenger - in a plane, a car, or a boat.  I need to be in control, it's a given.  I'm working on it.  I'm working on it, OK?!  Altoids help.  Thank gawd for those British mints.  Yum.

The location of our cottage is just amazing.  It has both a deck that overlooks the lake, and a dock onto the lake.  See the photo above for the dock.  One day I sat out there in the sun, reading for about two hours, making no sense of time and getting sunburned on this Irish skin.  I read eight books while on vacation.  I read, read, and then read again.  I always keep in mind that a good writer is also a voracious reader.  And even though I'm approaching fifty and feeling like a failure, I still have faith that I will publish a novel.  "Age is an illusion," my Grandfather Berg always used to say to me.  I truly believe that.  Screw all the twenty-somethings writing biographies about their lives that aren't even 1/4th done.  You want life?  Try a divorce.  And a difficult twin pregnancy.  And a father with dementia.  And relatives with numerous health problems.  Yes, everyone has their crutch to bear.  But part of me is sick and tired of hearing about everyone else's crutch.  Perhaps it's time to tell mine?

I started corresponding with so many penpals again, and people through Postcrossing.com while on vacation.  It felt so GREAT!  Yes, all caps!  I have met some amazing people on that website who I truly call friends, even though we've never met in person.  Some of us have, and that connection is great!  But I felt like I did as a kid again - writing that letter to someone who shares my interests and concerns.  It was wonderful - to drop that letter, embellished with washi tape, in the mailbox that I call my home away from home.

(Yes, I love this post office.  The worker inside also showed us photos of her boat motor that was busted.  It was classic.  I felt so bad for her.  She was awesome, and had a new found best friend in my dad!)

The first Saturday in we went to the Farmer's Market in Shelburne.  At that point as my sons walked around looking at doors (DON'T TAKE A PHOTO) and buying Vermont made bratwurst (sorry, Wisconsin friends - these are damn good), I met up with a jewelry woman.  Her stall sold amazing beads and I immediately fell in love with a black beaded silver bracelet.  Of course, as someone who never buys on impulse, I hesitate.  What did lovely Beverly do?  She approached me with such calm and gave me a wonderful bead from her shop.  I have that bead in my pocket now.  You know how sometimes you meet people and you just feel a "sense" about them?  I don't want to go all weirdo on everyone, but I felt this with Beverly.  She was so nice, calm, and friendly.  I kept that one bead (more like a flat bead) in my pocket all week, through some tough times, and went back today to buy the bracelet that caught my eye last weekend.  She actually hugged me when I bought the bracelet!  I know I may sound like a creeper, but it truly felt like hugging an old friend.  I think sometimes people are linked somehow, someway.  I've felt that through Postcrossing.  I've felt that through teaching.  We are all connected.  We just never know how.  And Beverly cannot even begin to imagine the importance of this bracelet in my life.

I bawled as we left Long Point today.  We have so many memories up there.  I started going to Long Point as a girl, to my grandfather's cottage - Fair View - and now we rent Pine Tree Lodge.  I love it.  It's a piece of heaven.  So many things are going to change before we go up again next year.  My boys will have decided and accepted colleges.  I cannot imagine that!  It's blowing me away!  I feel like I'm the only mom on the planet who doesn't have it under control.  So many moms are posting on Facebook their perfect college visits, perfect SAT scores, awesome AP scores, STOP!  Please EFFING STOP!  I know you love your children!  We all love our children!  Read Augusten Burrows' novel.  That will wake you up to the novel of a perfect childhood. His life was truly messed up, and it shows. But he got over it.  Love me Augusten Burrows.

My dad is also having problems.  As we pulled out of Pine Tree Lodge today, I couldn't help but cry as to what condition my dad will be in next year.  When I wanted to go to Finland, he encouraged me at the age of sixteen.  Ecuador in college?  No problem?  He even wanted me to go to Tunisia or the Middle East!  My dad has always been my biggest supporter.  And I.am.slowly.loosing.him.  I cried.  I cried and I cried and I cried in front of my seventeen year old sons without shame.  I told them the truth, as they saw it themselves.  Papa is in a bad way.  My one and only rock throughout the years may not be here much longer.  And I wonder who will be there to catch me fall?

I'm scared.  I'm trying to let go and let some of you be along for this ride with me, but it's oh so tough.  I've always been independent and unable to accept help.  I'll admit I'm scared for the future.  My boys. My dad. My mom.  So many people I love.

I can only hope that summer next year will be filled with some memories that will lead on to 2018.  Littles, Fox and Roark, I love you!

Getting MOJO Back

I'm up in the Green Mountains, once again, where I've been for about the past sixteen years, take off the one year I spent in Finland.  It's always been a place where I've relaxed, read, and done lots of writing.  This year is no different.  However, let's admit it.  Surrounded by a lot of family adds a different dynamic.  I'm a people pleaser.  I'm always nervous that people are happy, or mad at me.  This adds to a lot of stress and anxiety.  But that's my baggage to deal with - no one else's.

After such a harsh school year, I've rediscovered a love of writing - through postcards and pen pal letters.  It's felt so good to write those things again!  I've purchased special cards for my pen pals overseas.  I've been excited to make contacts again through Postcrossing.com.  It feels great! I was in a very dark place this past spring - maybe even more dark than I liked to admit in my previous blog post.  I feel like a weight has been lifted, now that I am able to start cooking again, writing to pen pals, and reading lots and lots of books.  While on vacation here I've gone through seven books.  I'm lucky in that I'm a very fast reader.

I just finished reading, "Behind Closed Doors."  Anyone read that yet?  So disturbing.  An abused wife whom no one would ever imagine being abused.  I think this happens in our middle-to upper middle class societies more often than we'd like to admit.  We want our lives, and those around us, to fit into the cookie cutter formations.  We are all perfect.  We are all normal.  We go home to good lives, Netflix series, and solid meals.  But that's not always the case.  I think this is why I'm beginning to hate Facebook more and more.  WITH A PASSION.  Our lives aren't all about the Facebook posts.  So many of us are facing daily battles that aren't on the Facebook posts.  The battery.  The anxiety.  The overextending debt.  The child with tough circumstances that we're afraid to admit because the other "mommies" won't accept.  I almost want to create a "Dark Side Facebook" where everyone can come out - with their side where they're afraid to leave the house, scared to drive on on-ramps, admit that they feed their kids McDonald's, and reply that they have sugar every day in their diet.  I am so done with the high and mighty people on the web.  Please.  Stop accusing all of us of being human.  Let us be who we are. We want to live in our own skin.  Be who we are.  I'm not one to confirm - to any standard - whether it be vegan, fast food, gluten free, or whateverthehellyouthink.  I just want to be me.  LET ME BE AND LEAVE ME THE *&^%$# ALONE!

Maybe I'm just feeling my oats on this whole WWW thing.  I've thought about setting up an anonymous blog, as I don't want to insult people I know with my thoughts.  Yes, I'm that afraid that my personal thoughts will offend people I know.  Isn't that sad?  That people I know will no longer like me for who I am.  That is the world in which I live.  The stress.  The thoughts.  My thoughts.  I feel as if the people who know me won't want to know what I have to say.

Thoughts are powerful.  Words are even more powerful.  And those words can be even more damaging.  That's why I'm afraid to write.  So I think going forward I will choose to write in private...

El fin

Wow!  I haven't been here in forever.  And there's a reason why.

My past year was from Hell.  Honestly.

I learned a lot of life lessons, that perhaps I should have learned at an earlier age.  Maybe I always had them in my toolbox, but was just blind sighted by the cruelty that humanity can throw at a person.

I learned this past year that people's own interest will always override friendships.  To the point where they will be downright cruel to you.  I have been hurt.  I'm sick of politics.  People who I thought were friends only had their self-interests at heart.  You know who you are.  Is it immature of me to put this in a blog post?  Perhaps.  Please don't ask me for favors in the future.  You will not get them.

I received numerous great letters from my students at the end of the year that made me cry.  I have always been an advocate that middle school is more about personal growth than the subject matter. Kids are changing at a rapid rate and need to be self-aware.  I try to be there for them, not only at an academic level but at a social level as well.  It's why I do an amazing Writer's Club (those guys make my week)!  And help out with the Yearbook.  I ask kids - both in Spanish and English - how they are doing.  I truly want to know.  One student wrote to me, "You have the charisma to connect with your students unlike any teacher I have ever encountered before."  Oh, the tears!  I want my kids (as I always call them) to leave my classroom as better human beings - above all else.  I want them to love themselves.  Stand tall.  Talk with confidence - in both Spanish and English.

I recently said that I have "120 souls" each year.  And that I do.  They are not merely people.  They are souls - filled with loves and hates and hopes and aspirations.  These kids are on the cusp of identity.  It's my job to help them grow - both with Spanish AND identities.  I remember going to the NELMS conference and hearing just that.  I was so HAPPY!  We do so much more than just teach a subject!  Please, administrators, when doing our annual reviews take that into consideration.  It's not just Spanish.  Or Language Arts.  Or History.  Or Math.  It's building confidence and self-esteem in a child who is going through what is probably the toughest part of his/her life.

I love my job teaching.  I stalk my online system each day to see what kids I have for next year, as I'm that excited.  With all the needless paperwork and such, I still treasure that connection in the classroom.  My students keep me going, year after year.  I truly adore them.  It's why I left a great job in corporate recruiting for education.

Hugs to all.  Above all, please stop putting pressure on your kids.  They are awesome beings just as they are.  Love them.  Hug them.  They will end up amazing human beings.  Their happiness is paramount.  REMEMBER THAT!