"I will never believe in anything again..."
-Coffee's For Closers, Fall Out Boy
I went into 2018 like one of those motivational posters - smiling, optimistic, full of a love of life. I bet I made a lot of people vomit. I had one of the best teaching years of my career. I was pumped. I felt like I was making a difference. I wanted to take change to another level.
What happened? At the age of forty-nine I grew up. I saw that personal ideals - no matter how good and pure they seem to be - can be manipulated and mocked. I listened as people blamed national politics for the downfall of America while they themselves swore at strangers in parking lots for getting the space they wanted. Anger. Greed. Those who are entitled used systems in place to help those in need to just make themselves, well, more entitled. Am I talking about Washington, DC? No. I am talking about your own backyard. I was suddenly the naive one. The woman who always thought with her experience with gang members and going to the Ecuadorian Amazon made her tough. Dealing with privileged, white people? Hah. Nothing, NOTHING prepared me for that battle.
"I'm Miss World. Watch me break and watch me burn."
-Miss World, Hole
Yes. I'm the one with the Volvo obsession who owns a home. Mocking me for my own privilege? Please do. I grapple with it constantly. So many don't know my own back story. Why would you ask? You have your own.
I am approaching fifty in about twenty-five days. Half a century. I read works by Mother Theresa. Listen to Kanye. Look at art by Giotto. Drive miles upon miles in order to process thoughts. How can I make change? I try to do this through the classroom, but lately I feel that it's futile. I need to do more. I worked with a political campaign this past fall which was rewarding. The candidate was truly someone I believed in, for the first time I can remember. Real. Intelligent. Analytical. Not a pawn.
I am so fortunate to have friends all over the globe to discuss this with. You know you who are. There are days where I think about grabbing my passport and checking the quarantine times for pets to move - and learn Dutch or German or Swedish. But then my thoughts go to my father and grandfather - both proud veterans - who believed in this country. I am the stubborn, risk-taking, at times mouthy person I am because of them. The woman who stops in the street to talk to someone about the donuts he just bought on Christmas Day. Who offers to carry groceries for an elderly person to their car at the supermarket. And confront a guy at the post office who accused her of parking in a handicapped spot. Yeah, dude. You messed with the wrong chica that day. Do.not.take.me.on. I refuse to be fodder for someone's anger. I will treat you with respect, but please. Respect.
2018 was not a total loss, please know. I met some incredible people this year that I hope will be friends for years to come. I reconnected with a few people as well, who mean so much to me. All of you are rock stars, and I hope it's ok that I tell you on a frequent basis. When I finally go to get that tattoo, I'll know who to call. ;)
My kidlets. Kidlet A and Kidlet B. The discussions. There are no two other people in the world who challenge me so. And as many half-soda cans may be left, I love them to the moon and back. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone else who understands me the way they do. Philosophy. Current events. History. Dank memes. Music. Road trips.
So, here we are. Get the eff out, 2018. I am ready for 2019. No expectations. Openness. Me. Haters gonna hate. Bring on the change. Live for the moment. And as my dad always says, "Keep the faith."
