We can never go back to the way it was.
I can never, ever go back to the way it was.
Some may have read the above lines and immediately thought of COVID. They are appropriate, aren't they? I think of teaching in this new world, and remind myself again and again that I will move forward. Change.
This. This life. My life. Since mid-June of 2019 when my diagnosis came my idea that days could progress they way I wished they would? Shattered.
About a week ago I started thinking about freedom. I challenged myself to take photos of ordinary things that I usually don't notice, and how someone who lacks freedom - those in elder care, incarcerated, those who have lost their sight - no longer can experience. Looking at these photos tonight I realize how magnificent details are. Concerts, festivals, parties, weddings. These are all monumentous. The ordinary are truly extraordinary. The things we all take for granted. As well as the people...
Taylor Swift seems to know ***just*** when to release an album. I joke that she's the little sister I never had, with her own emotional ups and downs that many times have mirrored my own, except with bank accounts in excessive digits. Last night at midnight she released "folklore."
Our coming-of-age has come and gone
Suddenly this summer, it's clear
I never had the courage of my convictions
As long as danger is near
And it's just around the corner, darlin'
'Cause it lives in me
I have been losing my father for a long time because of CLL, and then Alzheimer's. Now we are spinning towards a place. A location where time, memories, at times logic, do not exist. For my beloved dad, his life is the here and now. Some days that here and now is simply what has gone on within the past hour. Yet still, like tonight when I saw him, I catch a glimpse of that mischievous grin and a light in his brilliant, blue eyes that people have always noticed. MausiGal and her dad somehow, within the mixed up particles of brain matter that he has, still connect. He laughs.
When I am sitting in the Swede mobile heading home, the tears. I do not stop. The sobbing where your nose starts to run. My Irish skin, which I inherited from him, turns bright red.
Forward. I am truly blessed that right now, at this moment in my existence, I have those in my life who will move forward with me, to go into the unknown. Step one. Step two. Step three.
Love you all from the bottom of my heart, those who are on the journey with me.
xoxo MausiGal
