"You know, Feronia, there are some days that I just want my life back so badly. Then I try to think, "Did this happen to save my life?" "
Cancer teaches. That was my last blog post, right? Oh so thoughtful. But in the reality of it? Am I ready to tell you about how my scalp that looks like the planet Venus?
Probably not. Or that my finger nails break with just picking up papers sometimes? Or that I vomit with a piece of toast in the morning? Two cups of coffee, my past love, now sends me into complete nausea?
Today I cried in the bank safe deposit box room. Why? I had something to leave to Kidlet A and Kidlet B in that box. Yes, I'm sure I'll be ok. But at the same time, have you ever had all your hair fall out - your legs, armpits, eyebrows? Have you had people afraid to say the "C" word around you (and I'm not talking the other one, either!)? Have you felt like this weird, special group, but at the same time detest the color pink with all your heart? Instead you'd rather be in all black, with a crossbow or a Darth Vader hand, heading dead-on at CANCER.
I have received so many pink items, and I value them greatly. They represent a sisterhood in strength. But at the same time, after going into Dana Farber and seeing all those other people suffering from cancer, I feel such a need to reach out to all those people who need help. Learn how to pronounce Esophageal Cancer. Lymphoma. Pancreatic. Ready to wear all those ribbons? The ribbons aren't just pink. Lavender is for all cancers. Please don't think I'm unappreciative. I so am! But CANCER! It is everywhere. And so many of us are fighting it. We're not just wearing dank hats from Savers to look retro. But this hat didn't come from Savers. It came from Volvo. You know me and Volvos. Pride and Joy. And Pikachu came from an amazing friend. But I love Savers. So there ya go.
So back to the title that I texted today, "Did this happen to save my life?" I am a TypeA personality. Not to make you vomit (sans chemo) but perhaps I was given this by G_d to stop and smell the roses, allegorically. To realize that I was doing 95mph in a 55mph, and needed to slow down. That saving the world should come second to saving myself. Because, in reality, I cannot save anyone until I have helped me. There ya go. Did I say that twice?
Pulling out of the Market Basket parking lot one of my favorite songs came one - ""Saturday" by Fall Out Boy" These lines. Cry.
And I read about the afterlife
But I never really lived
Guess what, peeps? Me. It's time for me to think about living. Outside of a job. Expectations of others. And experiencing all there is for me to see.
Love you all,
MausiGal
