Will I Die? Will I Fly?

I had the Blogger post of "Cancer Teaches."  That was really profound, wasn't it?

Yeah, and then on my first day of my radiation consult they found another lump.

"I've never known anyone going through chemo to get cancer again, but we'll still check it out," the doctor informed me.  An ultrasound.  A mammogram.  Six months from now, more of this.  The lump is there, and I can feel it.  Why didn't I feel it before? Seriously? Do you think I was doing breast exams while going through chemo? Do you check for cops when you've been pulled over for speeding?

My new mantra is, "Cancer Changes."  Yes.  Yes it does.  Lately I feel most at peace with my rescue dogs, Saul, Seal, and Chappy.  Each of them had to overcome horrendous conditions to survive, especially Chappy.  Above all? They needed to learn to trust after being abused, neglected, and left to die.

Die.

I wonder, how often, people realize that cancer patients of all sorts wonder if they'll die.  Of course it's the human condition that we all think of this.  Why would we not? But as I've said in the past, once one is diagnosed with a "situation," it hits you in the face that mortality is real.  It isn't the boogie man in the closet that stays there until you least expect it.  This boogie man showed up just as I got out of school.  Now the boogie man haunts me on a daily basis. I will be in the supermarket and cry about the thought I may not be around the see my sons marry, or have children.  That at the end of the day for seventh grade, because of my radiation treatments, I have started to forget names of students.  My energy level peaks around 1:30pm, and after that I am so exhausted I put on pajamas, despite the fact I want to do pilates, barre, and yoga.  I don't have a choice.  My body has decided for me.

I miss my kidlets like no other.  They are off, off, off!  I am so incredibly happy for them, and cannot wait to see them until we are all together on the most magnificent of lakes, probably months down the road.  My house is quiet, except for the squeak of Chappy's "Alien Toy."  The home that I once boasted I would keep for grandchildren now seems excessively big.

Crossroads.  Me.  Do I fly?  Or do I simply crawl and perish?

Here We Go KIDLETS!

The 802.  The Green Mountain State.  Where my love lies for so much of the year, even if I do pretty much only spend only four weeks out of fifty-two within the borders.

Lake Champlain.  How can you ignore it? A United States lake with its own monster and myths abound?  I grew up on this lake, each summer not only hearing tales, but being soothed to sleep by the sounds of the light waves against Long Point rocks.  We heard boats every now and then.  I speak to friends who summer on Lake Winni, and tell me of the ever present boats. Boats, boats, boats!  No, not on my beloved Lake Champlain.  Yes, we have our boats, but not to obscenity.  I always like to think that along the 802 there's some sort of gentleperson's agreement about boats and being kind. Am I naive?  Perhaps. 

In July I have quiet mornings on the lake.  I think about my year gone by, and what will be in the coming year.  The year for 2019?  This?  Truly difficult.  How can one define cancer?  I was comforted so many times by the images by the lake, but at the same time?

Cancer.

Cancer.

Up until recently, I truly did see myself as a badass against cancer.  I have all of my supporters (YOU!) to thank for that. Why? Honestly? I could never have thought of that on my own.  Although I had a few very rough days through chemo, you kept me going and kept me remembering how wonderful I was!

What happened?

You were still more than wonderful.  Gosh, I can never express this more than enough.  The cards.  The messages.  The gifts.  There are so many days where I would do is cry.  Why?  I felt I could never repay you or even find time for a decent thank you note.  Between getting kidlets for college, teaching, and radiation...I feel a failure.

But alas (gosh, that sounds so freakin' formal...), life changes and many times it changes for the better.  One kidlet is back at a Vermont college, and the other back at another.  What's my point?

You be you.  And ignore the haters.  Wherever they may be. Because in reality, they just kinda make you more and more like Taylor Swift.

That gal has her crapola together. Her lyrics? It's like middle school / high school / pregnancy on freakin' high drive:

"All the king's horses, all the king's men couldn't put me together again, 

'cause all of my enemies started out friends." 

So, there ya go.  Preaching from the heart.  Where am I going with this?  Bring it all back, MausiGal...

Kidlet is heading off again to his own adventure.  And I am letting him go.  But not without acknowledging all he has been through for the past few months.  Seeing his mom go through chemo  And severe chemo reactions.  Waking up at 5:00am with a hug to tell her she will always be loved and ok.  I am forever grateful for your care and understanding, especially at your young age.  I am sorry you had to go through this now -  so freakin' sorry you can never now. I hope it can help you somehow somewhere. 

Agreeing that her new rescue dog, a corgi German shepherd mix (no joke) that survived a head on car crash really is ok for her.  And that he is a cool dog, despite his metal plate in his leg and five screws. And drive him home from his pick up while you hold him, with his head on your lap, and cry that this dog finally knows he is safe...

Joking about memes and shirtless memes (you know the joke, kiddo).  

Knowing your sons - both of them - are both to change the world in ways that you just started.  You tried, to the best of your ability.  You would come home and cry that it wasn't enough. But you know what? You never realized that one day you would have two amazing sons that were there to fulfil every dream you wanted.  Both sons - near and far- giving you the most amazing support you could ever have, as you could only have it.  #blessed

Why?  It is NEVER because of you, Mausigal.  It is because you have two amazing sons who are off to change the world, even if its one person at a time.

In the supermarket.

In the classroom.

In the United Nations.

In the CIA.

Or in YOUR living room.

My sons are going to change YOUR lives.  And I hope you're ready for it. Why? Because I prepped them since they were born.

#bringtheword

#loveyouall