Rising Up

Green lights.  Go.  Early morning sunrise as I head into school at 6:15 am.  About four months ago I wouldn't have even considered this view from the local rotary.  As one of my blog posts hinted at, last spring and into the early summer I was in a dark place.  When school got out in June I took the two weeks before we went to Vermont to pretty much sleep every day.  I hardly did a thing, other than write a letter or postcard here and there.  It didn't help that the spring season brought me not only strepp throat but a possible mono diagnosis, and I was exhausted beyond belief.  I had lost a lot of faith in so many things.  And yeah, my attitude was at rock bottom.

Vermont helped change things around.  Perhaps the change in scenery for two weeks, sitting by the lake with books and hanging out not only with Kidlet A and B, but also the Twinners - my niece and nephew who are nine years old.  Seeing the world through their eyes truly opened up my heart quite a bit.  I saw what was important once again.

I'm so happy to say that today, September 16, 2017, I'm in a fabulous place.  I've never felt better.  Maybe I'm going to make some people sick with this post of positivity, but here goes.  What did I do to turn around what was basically an awful situation?

1)  I found my tribe - Lately the word "tribe" seems to be popping up all over the place, so I guess it's time I incorporated it into a blog post.  But in all seriousness, I began to reconnect with people both in person and online.  I now have a small group of people whom I can depend upon to call in a time of crisis, extreme happiness, and just to chat with.  Some are in person, some are online, and yes, some are by snail mail.

2) Haters gonna hate - On that same note, I realized that there are frenemies even at my age.  These people will be nice to you in person, or online, only to wish for you to fail.  Who knows why?  I no longer care to know why, because I'm not going to change them.  And I realize now that their friendship is worth diddlysquat (did I just use that word in a sentence?).  There are also the people who are just plain cruel - while you pass them on the highway, in the checkout line at the supermarket, you name it!  Guess what?  You're probably never going to see them again, so let them go.  You cut me off on the highway?  Awesome.  Have fun.  Your car sucks (just kidding).

3)  I GOT A DOG - This was probably the BEST thing that turned me around.  I should have got a dog again a long time ago, but the timing was perfect this past August.  Our dog, Saul, has taught me again how to drop everything and just play.  Forget the papers I need to grade, the dinner that has to be made, the bills I have to pay - PLAY!  Saul is also so damn happy.  How could I not be happy with that face following me around everywhere?

4)  Good tunes that resonate - I discovered, for myself, the band Twenty-One Pilots.  I had a student last year who was fanatical about them, and at that time I only knew the song, "Heathens."  Wowsa.  I'm hooked.  With lyrics like "Sometimes you gotta bleed to know/That you're alive and have a soul" they were just the band I was looking for.  Jam out - forget about everything.

5)  Adiós, online dating! - I mentioned this before on Facebook.  I ditched that world.  In my past nine years of being divorced, I've been on the four top websites at one time or another.  Even though my accounts had been hidden or deleted, for some reason I would still get emails from people.  Odd.  I investigated this online, and found that if your picture and profile are still in their system, at times it can come up and people can contact you.  ARGH!  So, I went back on those sites, deleted all the photos, deleted all the text, and got rid of all the info in those silly little boxes that were suppose to match me with the love of my life.

6) Rediscovered my passions - For a few years now I haven't been writing.  If you look back, you'll see I used to blog all the time.  I loved it.  I recently explained to a potential member of my Writer's Club at school how I feel when I write - You know the high runners get when they run?  That's me when I put words to paper.  I get lost in those sentences.  I've started writing so many postcards, pen pal letters, and blogging again.  It feels SO GOOD!

My other passion?  Teaching.  I truly love being a teacher, and I didn't fully appreciate my strength with kids these past few years.  I have faith in what I do.  These students revitalize me on a daily basis.  I am myself when I'm with them - silly, goofy, relaxed, yet at the same time encouraging, academic, and helping them try to become the best they can be as individuals.  Yes, Spanish is important, but at the end of the day I want them to know that they are important individuals.  Amen.

7)  Gratitude - I am so incredibly thankful for all that I have.  A friend suggested at the end of the day I make a list of ten things I'm grateful for.  At first I thought that would be hard.  Now I do it each night before I go to bed.  Truly blessed - that's me.  From the guys that came today from Trash Can Willy's to pick up my oversized 60" + TV that were so nice to my dad who listens to my caffeinated self as we drive around town each afternoon on errands.  The big.  The small.  The in-between.  When crap happens now I think of my gratitude list, and just how darn lucky I am.  This too shall pass.

So yes.  Here I am.  Happy to be here...

Days Away...

I am back from two weeks in Vermont, by Lake Champlain.  I've got Pandora on in my humid, hot home here in Massachusetts (of course no central air!  No, not for me!  Old school!).  The third load of laundry is in the wash.  I have a mountain of mail on the counter waiting to be re-sorted.  The junk mail has already been thrown in the recycling, the numerous credit card applications already torn in half and waiting for a shredder.  Do I really need ten more credit cards?  Obviously the Credit Card Gods think so.  I think because I've been spending all in cash or on my debit card the Credit Card Gods are getting envious.  No, you will not entice me with your flight miles.  I have no where to go, but Vermont...

This vacation was off to anxious start from the beginning.  Why?  I let the Kidlets drive.  Kidlet B drove up to the Green Mountain State in his Volvo V70.  What better car for the ride?  A 2004 Volvo filled with LL Bean bags, Vera Bradley satchels, and a frantic mom.  It's like the beginning of a suburban movie that's yet to be written.  I'm not a good passenger - in a plane, a car, or a boat.  I need to be in control, it's a given.  I'm working on it.  I'm working on it, OK?!  Altoids help.  Thank gawd for those British mints.  Yum.

The location of our cottage is just amazing.  It has both a deck that overlooks the lake, and a dock onto the lake.  See the photo above for the dock.  One day I sat out there in the sun, reading for about two hours, making no sense of time and getting sunburned on this Irish skin.  I read eight books while on vacation.  I read, read, and then read again.  I always keep in mind that a good writer is also a voracious reader.  And even though I'm approaching fifty and feeling like a failure, I still have faith that I will publish a novel.  "Age is an illusion," my Grandfather Berg always used to say to me.  I truly believe that.  Screw all the twenty-somethings writing biographies about their lives that aren't even 1/4th done.  You want life?  Try a divorce.  And a difficult twin pregnancy.  And a father with dementia.  And relatives with numerous health problems.  Yes, everyone has their crutch to bear.  But part of me is sick and tired of hearing about everyone else's crutch.  Perhaps it's time to tell mine?

I started corresponding with so many penpals again, and people through Postcrossing.com while on vacation.  It felt so GREAT!  Yes, all caps!  I have met some amazing people on that website who I truly call friends, even though we've never met in person.  Some of us have, and that connection is great!  But I felt like I did as a kid again - writing that letter to someone who shares my interests and concerns.  It was wonderful - to drop that letter, embellished with washi tape, in the mailbox that I call my home away from home.

(Yes, I love this post office.  The worker inside also showed us photos of her boat motor that was busted.  It was classic.  I felt so bad for her.  She was awesome, and had a new found best friend in my dad!)

The first Saturday in we went to the Farmer's Market in Shelburne.  At that point as my sons walked around looking at doors (DON'T TAKE A PHOTO) and buying Vermont made bratwurst (sorry, Wisconsin friends - these are damn good), I met up with a jewelry woman.  Her stall sold amazing beads and I immediately fell in love with a black beaded silver bracelet.  Of course, as someone who never buys on impulse, I hesitate.  What did lovely Beverly do?  She approached me with such calm and gave me a wonderful bead from her shop.  I have that bead in my pocket now.  You know how sometimes you meet people and you just feel a "sense" about them?  I don't want to go all weirdo on everyone, but I felt this with Beverly.  She was so nice, calm, and friendly.  I kept that one bead (more like a flat bead) in my pocket all week, through some tough times, and went back today to buy the bracelet that caught my eye last weekend.  She actually hugged me when I bought the bracelet!  I know I may sound like a creeper, but it truly felt like hugging an old friend.  I think sometimes people are linked somehow, someway.  I've felt that through Postcrossing.  I've felt that through teaching.  We are all connected.  We just never know how.  And Beverly cannot even begin to imagine the importance of this bracelet in my life.

I bawled as we left Long Point today.  We have so many memories up there.  I started going to Long Point as a girl, to my grandfather's cottage - Fair View - and now we rent Pine Tree Lodge.  I love it.  It's a piece of heaven.  So many things are going to change before we go up again next year.  My boys will have decided and accepted colleges.  I cannot imagine that!  It's blowing me away!  I feel like I'm the only mom on the planet who doesn't have it under control.  So many moms are posting on Facebook their perfect college visits, perfect SAT scores, awesome AP scores, STOP!  Please EFFING STOP!  I know you love your children!  We all love our children!  Read Augusten Burrows' novel.  That will wake you up to the novel of a perfect childhood. His life was truly messed up, and it shows. But he got over it.  Love me Augusten Burrows.

My dad is also having problems.  As we pulled out of Pine Tree Lodge today, I couldn't help but cry as to what condition my dad will be in next year.  When I wanted to go to Finland, he encouraged me at the age of sixteen.  Ecuador in college?  No problem?  He even wanted me to go to Tunisia or the Middle East!  My dad has always been my biggest supporter.  And I.am.slowly.loosing.him.  I cried.  I cried and I cried and I cried in front of my seventeen year old sons without shame.  I told them the truth, as they saw it themselves.  Papa is in a bad way.  My one and only rock throughout the years may not be here much longer.  And I wonder who will be there to catch me fall?

I'm scared.  I'm trying to let go and let some of you be along for this ride with me, but it's oh so tough.  I've always been independent and unable to accept help.  I'll admit I'm scared for the future.  My boys. My dad. My mom.  So many people I love.

I can only hope that summer next year will be filled with some memories that will lead on to 2018.  Littles, Fox and Roark, I love you!

Getting MOJO Back

I'm up in the Green Mountains, once again, where I've been for about the past sixteen years, take off the one year I spent in Finland.  It's always been a place where I've relaxed, read, and done lots of writing.  This year is no different.  However, let's admit it.  Surrounded by a lot of family adds a different dynamic.  I'm a people pleaser.  I'm always nervous that people are happy, or mad at me.  This adds to a lot of stress and anxiety.  But that's my baggage to deal with - no one else's.

After such a harsh school year, I've rediscovered a love of writing - through postcards and pen pal letters.  It's felt so good to write those things again!  I've purchased special cards for my pen pals overseas.  I've been excited to make contacts again through Postcrossing.com.  It feels great! I was in a very dark place this past spring - maybe even more dark than I liked to admit in my previous blog post.  I feel like a weight has been lifted, now that I am able to start cooking again, writing to pen pals, and reading lots and lots of books.  While on vacation here I've gone through seven books.  I'm lucky in that I'm a very fast reader.

I just finished reading, "Behind Closed Doors."  Anyone read that yet?  So disturbing.  An abused wife whom no one would ever imagine being abused.  I think this happens in our middle-to upper middle class societies more often than we'd like to admit.  We want our lives, and those around us, to fit into the cookie cutter formations.  We are all perfect.  We are all normal.  We go home to good lives, Netflix series, and solid meals.  But that's not always the case.  I think this is why I'm beginning to hate Facebook more and more.  WITH A PASSION.  Our lives aren't all about the Facebook posts.  So many of us are facing daily battles that aren't on the Facebook posts.  The battery.  The anxiety.  The overextending debt.  The child with tough circumstances that we're afraid to admit because the other "mommies" won't accept.  I almost want to create a "Dark Side Facebook" where everyone can come out - with their side where they're afraid to leave the house, scared to drive on on-ramps, admit that they feed their kids McDonald's, and reply that they have sugar every day in their diet.  I am so done with the high and mighty people on the web.  Please.  Stop accusing all of us of being human.  Let us be who we are. We want to live in our own skin.  Be who we are.  I'm not one to confirm - to any standard - whether it be vegan, fast food, gluten free, or whateverthehellyouthink.  I just want to be me.  LET ME BE AND LEAVE ME THE *&^%$# ALONE!

Maybe I'm just feeling my oats on this whole WWW thing.  I've thought about setting up an anonymous blog, as I don't want to insult people I know with my thoughts.  Yes, I'm that afraid that my personal thoughts will offend people I know.  Isn't that sad?  That people I know will no longer like me for who I am.  That is the world in which I live.  The stress.  The thoughts.  My thoughts.  I feel as if the people who know me won't want to know what I have to say.

Thoughts are powerful.  Words are even more powerful.  And those words can be even more damaging.  That's why I'm afraid to write.  So I think going forward I will choose to write in private...

El fin

Wow!  I haven't been here in forever.  And there's a reason why.

My past year was from Hell.  Honestly.

I learned a lot of life lessons, that perhaps I should have learned at an earlier age.  Maybe I always had them in my toolbox, but was just blind sighted by the cruelty that humanity can throw at a person.

I learned this past year that people's own interest will always override friendships.  To the point where they will be downright cruel to you.  I have been hurt.  I'm sick of politics.  People who I thought were friends only had their self-interests at heart.  You know who you are.  Is it immature of me to put this in a blog post?  Perhaps.  Please don't ask me for favors in the future.  You will not get them.

I received numerous great letters from my students at the end of the year that made me cry.  I have always been an advocate that middle school is more about personal growth than the subject matter. Kids are changing at a rapid rate and need to be self-aware.  I try to be there for them, not only at an academic level but at a social level as well.  It's why I do an amazing Writer's Club (those guys make my week)!  And help out with the Yearbook.  I ask kids - both in Spanish and English - how they are doing.  I truly want to know.  One student wrote to me, "You have the charisma to connect with your students unlike any teacher I have ever encountered before."  Oh, the tears!  I want my kids (as I always call them) to leave my classroom as better human beings - above all else.  I want them to love themselves.  Stand tall.  Talk with confidence - in both Spanish and English.

I recently said that I have "120 souls" each year.  And that I do.  They are not merely people.  They are souls - filled with loves and hates and hopes and aspirations.  These kids are on the cusp of identity.  It's my job to help them grow - both with Spanish AND identities.  I remember going to the NELMS conference and hearing just that.  I was so HAPPY!  We do so much more than just teach a subject!  Please, administrators, when doing our annual reviews take that into consideration.  It's not just Spanish.  Or Language Arts.  Or History.  Or Math.  It's building confidence and self-esteem in a child who is going through what is probably the toughest part of his/her life.

I love my job teaching.  I stalk my online system each day to see what kids I have for next year, as I'm that excited.  With all the needless paperwork and such, I still treasure that connection in the classroom.  My students keep me going, year after year.  I truly adore them.  It's why I left a great job in corporate recruiting for education.

Hugs to all.  Above all, please stop putting pressure on your kids.  They are awesome beings just as they are.  Love them.  Hug them.  They will end up amazing human beings.  Their happiness is paramount.  REMEMBER THAT!

Cookie Bar Monday

I'm just relaxing here while my chocolate chip Oreo cookie bars are in the oven.  Do they sound like heaven?  They most certainly do!  It's yet another recipe I grabbed from Pinterest, and you can find it here - Chocolate Chip Oreo Cookie Bars.  So yummy.  It's a cooler day today, so the heat of the kitchen wasn't too bad.  Right now my house smells like a combination of Oreos and chocolate chips.  So divine!

I love baking.  It allows me to totally get lost in my thoughts and completely relax, which is what I wanted to do this afternoon.  The madness of school returns next week.  As much as I love teaching, I love these lazy days of books, writing (yes, I've tried), and baking.  It's been a good summer, but it's time to go back.

I've been reading, "The Nest," recently, and am more than half-way through the book.  I'll admit I'm a bit tired with it.  Reading about other people's financial woes is, well, disheartening.  This family depended so much upon this inheritance, and now it's stripped away.  Sad.  But it so often happens with families.  The in-fighting.  The stealing.  The lying.  Everyone has a story or has heard one similar, and hence why "The Nest" is probably so popular.  But I'll finish reading it anyway.  I'm one of those people who always finishes a book, even if it completely bothers me.  I just have to.  I must!

I started a short story, which is a big step for me where I've had writer's block for so long.  I wrote a page.  A page!  It felt good to get words back on the canvas.  I'm hoping to have a Writer's Club at school this year, as the kids really motivated me in the past to be working on something.  Two years ago I did the club, and had such a talented group of writers.  I was so proud of their efforts.  I'd like to bring in a guest speaker, too, to help them hear about how the writing process works from an actual author or someone related to the field.  I'm excited!

The bars are about to come out of the oven.  Yum, yum, yum.  Go try the recipe, and let me know how it comes out!

Just Words On A Page

I'm writing just to write.  I've been less than inspired to write on my novel (ah, Three By Three how you torture me) this summer.  I've been relaxing.  A lot of changes have taken place at school, and I'm apprehensive about the future.  August 24th I need to report for an event, and I can feel the nerves gathering already.  Yes, everything will be fine, but it's still the unknown.

I feel a lot of times teaching is like acting.  I have to get up on that stage, put on my game face, and go.  But what if I don't have a game face?  I sometimes wonder.  It's so damn hard on days where you're sick, or tired, or just not completely pumped up to be the most awesomeness that you usually are.  I also think kids are kids and should be treated as such.  They're not mini-Einsteins, (especially with middle school), awaiting an acceptance to Princeton or Harvard or Yale.  Let them enjoy the last of their childhood!  Why are we pushing them so much?  Push push push.  All for the kid to have a major breakdown and depression at the age of thirteen.  It's just crazy.  I'm the goofy teacher, the one who just bought a poster about renting monkeys.  Yes, they'll have to decipher it from Spanish to English, but once they do, they'll be good to rent a monkey anywhere in the world.  Hey - it's a valuable skill.  Is it not?

The photo above is from my happy place, Lake Champlain.  It was so nice to go there this year once again for two weeks.  I enjoyed everyone's company, and the two college visits.  Never mind the fact that Kidlet B is lamenting that UVM doesn't allow water bottles on campus ("But no water bottles!  No throw away water bottles?!  What gives?!"), all in all it was a fun and productive vacation.  I'm loving the heat, despite not having central air.  Visits to Maine have been awesome (Thank you, F&G!).

But I want to write more.  I just cannot seem to focus on one topic or theme without getting distracted, like a toddler in front of a candy bar.  I have an idea for a new novel, but not sure if it's too like one that's one the market now.  I keep thinking, "Marketability!" before I write.  Perhaps I should just write, and not worry about whether or not it's sell-worthy.

So, I still have the day job, as much as I would like to be writing full time, and volunteering at the library as a page.  Ah, that would be heaven!  Can you arrange for me to win the lottery soon so that can happen?  That would be nice.  Just shelving books, seeing all the clear-cut letters on the spines.  I love viewing all the unique titles; it gets my mind roaming.  I miss working in the library.  Perhaps I can go back someday soon when my boys are older and driving themselves.

Enjoy the rest of summer!  Please keep in touch!  And get ready for the onslaught of fall!

Drive, They Said

So, I'm searching for a new car for the kidlets.  This has taken me into the Craigslist domain.  And oh, what an adventure it is!  People don't return emails, phone calls, or messages.  Gosh, it's just like online dating but without the final prize at the end.  Today, though, I think we found a car.

We?  I say we because I have my brother dragged into this endeavor with me.  Why?  Because I'm nervous about buying a car on my own.  He knows what to look for, and how to push a car to its limits.  That's why I'm bringing him with me.  Do I feel like the village idiot when buying a car?  Most certainly yes, especially with a used car.  My brother knows the questions to ask, the things under the hood to prod at, and where to crawl under the body of the car.

I don't want to jinx it, but I found an almighty Volvo.  Yes, you know me and Volvos.  It's solid, except for the breaks.  (I can hear you now.  "Mausigal!  The breaks?!  That's like an elemental part of the car!")  It's ok.  I'll get them fixed.  New tires.  A/C is running ok.  Windows working.  Just enough dents and scratches to make it look like an awesome teen car.  I love it!  I want it!  Perhaps that's part of the problem.  I'm driving a 2015 Volvo, and in my heart I want to drive a clunker.  I want the car with 150,000 miles, proving to everyone "That it's a Volvo and it can go the extra mile!"

Even if I had the money, I wouldn't want them in something new.  I'd still want Kidlet A and Kidlet B in a clunker.  There's something so quintessential about the high school experience, owning a clunker car.  There's nothing better than a Volvo wagon for that!  I still remember JF's Volvo wagon in college - the "Dead Sled," covered with Greatful Dead stickers on the back.  I hope my son's car becomes as emblematic as hers, complete with stickers, paint, graffiti - you name it!  It's theirs!  Let it become an icon!

I am truly blessed that I can give my kids a car.  I've been saving for awhile now, putting aside money each month towards this.  I didn't have a car  in high school.  My parents drove me, or I borrowed the family car on weekends.  Hopefully they'll appreciate it.

Bring on the new wheels!  Go Swedes!