I Love You Said Emma

Today was to be my first day back at school after my long absence due to cancer / chemo / all sorts of crappy side effects.  However, New England weather had other plans and here I am, doing more planning at my computer.  I'm excited to return to the classroom!  Cannot wait!  My colleagues, my students, the fun!  Seriously, I do get energized from my time at my career.  There are days that are tough, but those only add to the fulfillment in the long run.

When I left school at the end of September it came pretty quickly.  I thought I was going to be the warrior who worked through cancer.  I returned only two weeks after my surgery, and was determined to be there despite my chemo.  Once again, life had other plans.  I remember the day my hair came out in clumps as I stood at my desk, seventh graders in the room.  What was I suppose to do with a bunch of hair in my hand?  I remember the look on a few kids' faces as I was there, mortified.  I just put it in a tissue, tossed it in the trash, called a colleague, and cried in the hall.  During that entire day my hair had been falling out continuously, but never in front of the kids.  They knew I had breast cancer; I had spoken to all my classes with either the nurse or their guidance counselor.  The reality, however, at that point was right in my hands.

Once I made my decision to take a medical leave, I decided to take a few things with me from my walls that touch my soul.  One of them is a drawing my niece did when she was younger.

This is my all-time favorite that Emma has done for me.  It's us, hanging out.  We are both rockin' pretty cool outfits, and of course have smiles.  Above all, "I love you said Emma."  I can be having a rough day and just need to look at this on the wall.  Everything changes.  Emma, a warrior in her own right at the age of 11.  Love you, too.

Vermont.  On Lake Champlain.  When my own kidlets were in middle school.  Before Dad had his serious issues.  Mom's smile.  Sunshine.  Love once again.

This makes me think of each and every summer.

And this.  My statement of teaching. 

Dreamers and disruptors.  Be different.  Take risks.  I don't know why I didn't leave this up to inspire my students to see it in my absence.  Perhaps I wanted to guide them while they take those risks?  To help them dream and disrupt. 

What was breath-taking, today, though, was when I opened up the folder to see these items that I will once again hang on my walls tomorrow, is there was a clump of my hair inside.  To see these strands of blonde was to be taken back to months before my journey really began.  I had no idea how my world and outlook would change in just two months.

And still...how much life will change as I move forward back into the classroom tomorrow.

Cancer There!

Me as a baldie!  

Sometimes, you need to embrace who are even when you may scare people.  But of course I'm talking about adults.  I'm not about ready to walk up to little children with my bald head and scream, "Boo!'  Baldness in women, I'm finding, is a unique thing.  Hence, I wear hats.  Dope hats.  And when needed? The wig!  Yes! Formal events call for the wig!

But hats? For me hats seem to be where it's at.  I feel free. And I've already talked about my love of Savers' hats!

Love is funny.  You never know where you'll find it. It may be in the guy that lives next door.  Or the co-worker you've been joking with for months.  Your friend from college that made you snort laugh over your chemistry notes.

Love isn't just the pseudo-romantic "I want to do you!" type.  It's the college roommate who jokes about the funny times.  Your sister-in-law who knows the family jokes. Your colleagues who remind you of how you of how you always throw the topic off topic.  And all of a sudden, the cancer seems like a side dish.  Kind of like limpy broccoli.

The strength i bring from from others is immense! I could write a book about it, and maybe I should!  From the many wonderful hats I received from Carol to the package from Cathy that made me smile for hours.  I had the coffee tonight!

At what point is one burnt out?  I don't know.  I am so thankful for all I have received.  I cannot say it enough.  And this is only 1/4 of what I have to say. #soblessed

"Did This Happen To Save My Life?"

"You know, Feronia, there are some days that I just want my life back so badly.  Then I try to think, "Did this happen to save my life?" "

Cancer teaches.  That was my last blog post, right? Oh so thoughtful.  But in the reality of it? Am I ready to tell you about how my scalp that looks like the planet Venus?

Probably not.  Or that my finger nails break with just picking up papers sometimes?  Or that I vomit with a piece of toast in the morning?  Two cups of coffee, my past love, now sends me into complete nausea? 

Today I cried in the bank safe deposit box room.  Why? I had something to leave to Kidlet A and Kidlet B in that box.  Yes, I'm sure I'll be ok.  But at the same time, have you ever had all your hair fall out - your legs, armpits, eyebrows?  Have you had people afraid to say the "C" word around you (and I'm not talking the other one, either!)?  Have you felt like this weird, special group, but at the same time detest the color pink with all your heart? Instead you'd rather be in all black, with a crossbow or a Darth Vader hand, heading dead-on at CANCER. 

I have received so many pink items, and I value them greatly.  They represent a sisterhood in strength.  But at the same time, after going into Dana Farber and seeing all those other people suffering from cancer, I feel such a need to reach out to all those people who need help.  Learn how to pronounce Esophageal Cancer.  Lymphoma.  Pancreatic.  Ready to wear all those ribbons?  The ribbons aren't just pink.  Lavender is for all cancers.  Please don't think I'm unappreciative.  I so am!  But CANCER!  It is everywhere.  And so many of us are fighting it.  We're not just wearing dank hats from Savers to look retro.  But this hat didn't come from Savers.  It came from Volvo.  You know me and Volvos.  Pride and Joy.  And Pikachu came from an amazing friend.  But I love Savers.  So there ya go.

So back to the title that I texted today, "Did this happen to save my life?"  I am a TypeA personality.  Not to make you vomit (sans chemo) but perhaps I was given this by G_d to stop and smell the roses, allegorically.  To realize that I was doing 95mph in a 55mph, and needed to slow down.  That saving the world should come second to saving myself.  Because, in reality, I cannot save anyone until I have helped me.  There ya go.  Did I say that twice?

Pulling out of the Market Basket parking lot one of my favorite songs came one - ""Saturday" by Fall Out Boy"  These lines.  Cry.

And I read about the afterlife

But I never really lived

Guess what, peeps? Me.  It's time for me to think about living.  Outside of a job.  Expectations of others.  And experiencing all there is for me to see.

Love you all,
MausiGal

Cancer Teaches

Going Home From Chemo #1

My original title of this post was going to be "The Retreat of the Snark."  Isn't that very military?  Or perhaps Renaissance? Maybe I'm getting too full of myself and am too much in my head?

June 17th.  Regular, planned mammogram on the last day of school.

Call backs.  June 20th.  Mammogram Part 2.  Biopsy.  World begins to turn.

Over the past few years I have tried to embrace my Type A personality so that I am not trying to control the planet, but embrace what comes at me.  I read back to my posts here in MausiGal, and see many times I did this with snark.  It's no surprise that I did joke with Kidlet A and B that my license plate was going to be SNARKY.  Give it to me!  Don't like my cookies because you don't like sugar? Snark!  Don't like the fact that I adore flip flops? Snark!

Snark.

Of course I'm totally off topic now and I google boojum and find this:

Boojum Mexican Burrito Bar

My mind starts thinking about how I can incorporate this into my "Comidas - Parte 2" lesson tomorrow.  To middle schoolers the word "Boojum" is just going to be way too funny.  How do I know? Because I think my mind is stuck at age twelve.

This is a good thing.

The snark is leaving.  I caught myself in the car the other day doing the Boston MausiGal Car Snark bit.  This involves the other person driving's...
1) Make of car
2) Speed of Driving
3) Use of cell phone (this is allowable snark - GET OFF THE ROAD and/or PULL OVER!)
4) Excessive avoidance of wee, little pot holes in a non-spring month in New England.  Seriously - I love the "avoid the pot hole" game to show my driving expertise, but a dead squirrel (sad face - means winter is coming soon!) in the road is not the same as a pot hole. You don't need to get five feet over for said dead animal / pot hole / shirt thrown out the window from night of college revelry (or perhaps Book Club Revelry.  I hear them Suburban Book Clubs GET DOWN!).

Cancer Teaches.

Yes.  For my Postcrossing status (Postcrossing Forum) I had "Cancer sucks."  Since I returned to school on Monday the true meaning of why I am going through this illness shines through.

Cancer Teaches.

Yet this may be only for me.   EACH PERSON HAS THEIR OWN CANCER JOURNEY!  Some people can do chemo, work out at the gym two days later, and then take a flight to Australia.  ¿Yo?  I don't want to document it publicly.  My recovery involved having Saul and Seal (rescue doggies!) close to my side in my bed, keeping my warm where I was in pain.  Baking on a few afternoons because I couldn't lie down or sit down because that would hurt so much.

The Neroli candle Kindergarten Artist Friend gave me.  I am hooked!

When I went into the Friends' Place at Dana Farber to choose a wig, I noticed they had a board with all sorts of bracelets to sell for different types of cancer.  Then it hit me.

• Breast Cancer
• Bone Cancer
• Pancreatic Cancer
• Esophageal Cancer
• Cervical Cancer
• Prostate Cancer
• Ovarian Cancer
• Skin Cancer (Melanoma)
• Testicular Cancer

And guess what? I have run out of room.  Because cancer is that one, little thingee that seems to find you when you're like, "I'm a snarky mama and I am GOLD!"  In my family with multiple illnesses and health conditions, I am the blesséd one.  Hit me up with more good genes!"

#epicfail

Or is it?

The anchor.  The symbol of hope. #deltagammaforlife

(from The Friends' Place in Dana Farber)

I teach my students that what you think is a failure is your superpower.  I actually tweeted about this yesterday.  I am trying to reframe this with cancer.  I know some of you are right now thinking, "Um, Mausigal? Put down the coffee and eat some salsa and chips."  But I mean it.

These past few weeks have shown me the power of friendship, community, and being an  EDUCATOR.  If you're reading my blog and you think, "Should I teach?" email me right now and I'll give you my phone number and we're going to talk!  My colleagues and students came through for me these past few weeks more than I can image.  Let's include the families, too.  I'm not trying to say that I'm some freakin' rock star who deserves adoration.  Cancer shows you that there are people in your realm who are kind.  Who want to share their stories.  Want to learn more.  Want to help others, even if doesn't have to do with cancer.  Who want to become better, empathetic people. That last line has stood out to me the most over the past two days in my work.  Never, ever put down students.  They are the most valuable resource we have on earth.

Family. Friends.  Colleagues.  Sorority sisters.  Students.

I am overwhelmed with the support I receive, and it has taught me this:

• Retreat the Snark.
• Life.  Too Short.
• DO GOOD
• Embrace the joy and share it with whomever you come into contact with!

The guy at the gas station.  The checkout clerk at Market Basket.  Your dog walker.  Your boss.  Your boss' boss.  The owner of your company via email.  The roommate from college twenty plus years ago.

Because everyone wants to be loved.  They may not respond or smile or look.  But you have given them a hope they so desperately need.

BECAUSE YOU ARE AMAZING.  YOU HAVE SUPERPOWERS!

Don't ever freakin' forget it!

I love you all from the bottom of my heart!

Xoxo Mausigal (and sorry this is so long and you probably had to go out and buy two venti lattes to read it!)

"My birthday should never be remembered..."

These were the words my grandfather spoke on 9/11/01.  I had called him from my home in Lowell, Massachusetts, making sure he was doing ok.  I had wrapped two packages for him the night before, and decorated the wrapping paper.  My twin kidlets, just a year old, loved visiting him to look for "monkeys under the bed."  This was a game we had.  At Grampy's house we had a small container of stuffed animals, and somehow Kidlets A and B thought there were monkeys under the bed.  This may root back to the story of "The Monkey in Berlin" from when my grandfather was stationed at Checkpoint Charlie after World War II, but that's for another time.

Here is a photo of Carroll Sr. and I from my wedding.  The quality is off, as it's a photo of a photo.  However, I was brought to tears as I noticed the "Photo Orb" next to me to the right. Yeah, I'm an X-Files sucker for the phenomenal.  I would love to think that orb appeared there, being my grandmother, Rita, to tell me everything will be ok with chemo on Thursday.  That she is here.  But do I even need to ask? Both she and my Grandfather Berg, and my Grandfather and Grandmother Morris, as well as everyone else in my DNA chain, are there.  They are the reason I jump in the car and drive to the 802, bake for hours at 3am on a weekday and enjoy it, stand in front of youngsters and inspire.  THIS is my DNA.  I was born to be, well, a sweet badass.  Heck, my grandmother's maiden name was Sweet!

Every 9/11 I think of my grandfather and the sadness he had in his voice when I told him I still wanted to stop by with his birthday gift, and to see the kidlets.  Yes, his words were, "My birthday should never be remembered on such a horrific day for our country."  Carroll Sr. was a veteran.  His history included multiple hardships that many today could probably not endure.  And no, I am not making him up to be a saint, because few of us are.  But his love for the United States and the freedoms we have here have made me remember to be thankful for all that I have.  A simple kid from Reading, Massachusetts, who went on to have his word displayed in the Air and Space Museum.  Whenever I go there and point it out to people I get so excited!  I hope I'm well enough to do it this year with my 8th graders, because they are awesome students.  My shoes are ready! 

If there is one thing my Grandfather Berg taught me (and he taught me so much!), it's never be a checkbox.  Keep learning.  Don't fit the mold that people want to put you in.  Break that box!  I hope I have done him proud!  Happiest of birthdays, Grampy.  The kidlets and I love you!

Love to all!
xoxo MausiGal

Ever Clear

I am home from the 802. For those of you not familiar with the terminology, that would be Vermont.  The 802.  The area code for the entire state.  This would be the place where I find my happiness, my recharge, and peace each summer.

Make a wish with each sunset!

This year, I'll admit, I missed my doggies, Saul and Seal, while I was up at the lake.  Yup, I've turned into one of those dog people.  Each dog I saw I greeted with the "doggie" voice, similar to the "teacher voice" but a bit more syrupy.  I gave those puppies hugs, belly rubs, and lots of scratches.  In reality they were meant for Saul and Seal.  My guys were so happy to see me home!  Right now they are sitting at my feet.  The windows are open as we await for the heat and humidity to set in before I (reluctantly) turn on the air conditioner.  A berry pie is in the oven.  I am at home.

On Saturday night CodeBoy took me to see Everclear at the Tupelo Music Hall in Derry, and that was just amazing. I've been following the band for over twenty years, and their lyrics have always seemed to echo what was going on in my life.  We got to meet the band after, and Art, the lead singer, was laughing at the fact that my new Volvo 240 '90 car originated in Santa Monica.  Their songs? Volvo Driving Soccer Mom.  Santa Monica.  Their drummer? A Berkeley grad that was so into talking about Kidlet A and his music career. 

"Promises mean everything when you're little and the world is so big."
I cried when Art sang this.  No words. 

"I think I'm going to need
A little time to myself
Don't fall down now
You will never get up
Don't fall down now..."
Years.  Years of this...

"You are neurotic and depressed
That doesn't mean that you are sad!"
WORD!

I drove back home alone - about three and a half hours.  I so find my soul when I drive.  The Volvo.  Music.  And now I'm back into photography, and took some great photos that meant a lot to me and my past and memories.  Stories I've been told of my family.

Open roads - fast or slow?

The above photo shows one of the roads I take out on the way home.  When I was younger I loved hitting that open space at top speed.  This trip? For some reason I liked driving it slow (unless there was a Vermonter behind me!).  I liked taking in the scene, the smells, the wind with the windows open.  I remembered the year my Sheltie, Hermes, barked at cows on the side of the road.  When I was a child, the turn down this road meant we were almost at my grandfather's cottage and vacation was about to begin.  On one of my drives I saw a ten year old girl looking out the car window, taking the same turn I had many a time.  I immediately thought of myself.  The thoughts running through my head of what I would read with my grandmother, the letters I would write, and the talks we would have.

Long Point, Lake Champlain, means a lot to members of my family.  Each one of us has a different idea - whether that be fishing, boating, grilling, you name it.  I appreciate that everyone has their own thing.  My years were spent reading with my grandmother on the porch of Fair View Cottage, overlooking the lake.  We would talk and talk.  I would read, and also play her my Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac music as I went through a big phase with them!  I would write to my pen pals and friends back home.  When others went fishing, my dad and I would also hang out on the porch and read and talk. 

More photos with stories from my drive out...

Tionde.  Keeping time...or not.

Where supposedly at one time, the best night crawlers were!

Someone recently said to me that they didn't think I could ever move to Vermont because I was too rooted in Clemsville.  They don't get me.  The 802 has been in my soul since I was born.  It's not a matter of here or there. I do not go to Vermont to be a tourist.  There's a reason why I talk to everyone I meet up there.  When I'm in Vermont I feel at peace.  Could I go to Costa Rica, or Puerto Rico, or back to Ecuador? Probably.  But I chose to spend my time at Lake Champlain each year for a reason. 

Peace.  Serenity.

Memories of receiving postcards from her grandfather of cows and goings on at Long Point.

Talks with her grandparents on the porch about where I may be in the future.  Dreams. Goals.

Writing my first book overlooking the lake - by hand with a fountain pen.

Seeing my son sit on the deck and playing guitar - and finding his own center.

Seeing my son happy year round in the 802 and loving all that the state has to offer.

This.  This is me.  No apologies.

xoxo Mausigal

Malignant Malificent

Well, well, well.  I don't even know if I'm using the terminology right. So kill me - before the cancer does!

I was diagnosed this morning with invasive lobular carcinoma.  OK.  Like I said before - got this.  I use humor at all turns.  When I joked with the nurse this morning she wasn't too receptive.  Why?  I can imagine most people receive calls like this and break down.  Me?

Nurse: Are you in your car?

Me: (If I was in my Volvo I wouldn't pick up) Nope. Sitting at my really messy kitchen table, ready for anything! Bring it on!

Nurse: Well...

They wanted me to come in to speak with them, and I get that.  A face to face approach is always best. But for me? Just give me what I need to know. I may be a Spanish teacher, but the science from my bro comes through - DATA DATA DATA. 

I have a follow-up appointment with a surgeon. An MRI.  Lord Nermal is waiting for his first hospital visit! 

Kidlet B is really worried if he goes into surgery with me that they'll cut off his middle finger.  No way! That's a Nermal Human Rights Violation!

You know what? it's all in how you look at things...

About thirty minutes after I received this diagnosis I was in Market Basket in Chelmsford.  I was laughing about gawd knows what.  A woman came down the aisle and said to me, "Your laughter! It's the best I've heard in so long. It can only make me smile!" We had the best conversation next to the Cheese Doodles.  Will she ever know how much her one freakin' comment changed me world?

Probably not.

Go forward.  Be that person that changes someone's life.  And you never know it.  Okay?  Because that's what matters.

Life is rough with its ups and downs.  We need hugs.  We need sitting down at picnics. At beaches.  At coffee shops. CONNECT! My word for #2020. Please. Please connect with one another.  You all are amazing people and I love you all!